It is funny how suddenly your life focus takes a massive turn over an hour of a chat.
Until I went into the consultation room to hear the result of my breast screening, cancer had seemed so far from my life, like NOWHERE NEAR in my life.
Despite having relatives who had cancer in the past, I thought I was very safe from all that cancer stuff. Oh well, not any more!
The moment when the surgeon said I had BREAST CANCER, it imminently took the centre of my life. Everything has become dependent on cancer, and a few changes have happened since.
If I may list a few strange things that have happend since the news…
Firstly, my current life goal has become to cure the cancer. My priorities have changed within themselves as well, for instance career and house got downgraded on my priority list.
Secondly, having the breast cancer with all potential risks, it’s made me think about what I really want to do in my life, espeically while I am still young and free. I know some of you have set new years resolutions for 2018, but, instead, I have written down a list of life dreams such as to do a jazz duet with Dan (my husband) and to master Pilates.
Having heard that the potential further treatment may damage my fertility and been to the fertility clinic for an initial consultation, it’s also changed our perspective of the family plan. This has affected my emotional stability a lot, because its ethical aspect is beyond complicated. What is the right thing to do? Does it align with our core value? Will I, or will I not regret about it for the rest of my life? To face such a big question in the mist of cancer with a time limit is a big challenege. And I’m still not ready make a decision on it.
Living with uncertainty
has encouraged me to stay more faithful to my Heavenly Father. It’s also made me focus on the present, instead of the future. Before the news I’d been frequently wondering about the future: what kind of career path I should take, what kind of house I’d want to live in and where to go on my next holiday… My mind had always been a few months ahead of time. As a result I had overlooked the importance of appreciating things there and then.
But now, with cancer, I’ve started to look closer at my life here and now. People around me, things that I have, stuff that I am doing, where I live, and more. One thing I have gained through cancer is gratitude. It is quite a humbling experience, but also encourages me to be more content.
Another strange thing is that, the knowledge of my condition has given me a sharper sense of emotions. I’d always known social media could negetively affect your emotions but never taken an action on that. However, few weeks ago, I intentionally unfollowed a few instagram celebrities (?) who might have negative impacts on my emotions and further on to my self-esteem. I think that was a very wise move.
Not sure if it’s related to my sharper sense of emotions or something else, but the last strange thing that has happened to me is a change in my friendships. Interestingly, cancer drew some friends closer in to my life including new ones, but also drove a few others miles away, no matter how close the friendship was. Odd, right?
However I do NOT think it’s anyone’s fault. I think that, sadly, my freindship with them has come to an end of its season. And I hope soon a new season for them begins.
It feels stranger than ever
in many aspects to live with cancer… Uninvited guest in my life! but I still gotta remember to smile and be positive about it.
After all, it will leave me for good in the end.
If you would like to help more people beat cancer sooner, please click this pink ribbon! It will lead you to Cancer Research UK website 🙂
I will see you in my next blog.
Bless you all!